my goddamn alcoholic next door neighbor "rescued" a fricking ostrich. He has the proper permits and everything but everytime I water my lawn the fricking thing charges me with enough force to make the fence shake. Eventually that goddamn bird is gonna get out and I have no means of protecting myself. How do I defend against a fricking ostrich if it attacks me unprovoked? I fricking hate these stupid ass birds
get yourself an ostrich
>the ostrich wars
The escalation potential is quite provacative.
This isn't pokemon, kid, ostrich proliferation is NOT what you want.
decapitate it with some hedge shears
perhaps a lance of some sort
like Cold Steel 95BOASK
>Cold Steel 95BOASK
best case scenario is you run it completely through on its charge, and it also kicks you square in the chest and breaks your shit.
i think a nimble slashing weapon would be best.
just go with the final evolution of what sword development historically became, The Officers Sabre. its light, nimble, and long enough to keep the ostrich at length, and i think waving it wildly around is scarier to the bird than its spear counterpart.
machete is probably best for claiming self defense just in case of legal frickery(despite the trespassing of birdo) as a machete is more common than an M1902 officers sword. but style is everything...
He should just use this
All those hours spent playing The Surge will not go to waste
Gears of war horde mode training kicks in
>best case scenario is you run it completely through on its charge, and it also kicks you square in the chest and breaks your shit
A boar spear then.
>M1902 officers sword
>style is everything...
You just earned entry to the bunker, welcome brother. We hunt peawieners at dawn every 3rd monday.
bro just look at that fricking huge ass neck, just get a fricking sword and decapitate it
You do realize that OP would be more likely to gravely wound himself or a not even nearby bystander than hit a target he was aiming for?
Being b***hmade isn't my problem
get a dacian falx
youll decapacitate it with a single well placed blow
time to get a pitangel
Machete or spear.
>be germoid.
>sunny day, let's go hiking a bit.
>walk the fields of northern east germany.
>"wolves could be here he thought".
>get attacked by big bipedal birds.
Nothing like an invasive protected species 🙂
What. Do you have ostrich running free there?
We have Rheas, but seems since 2020 they can be hunted to controll the population, became a bit too many (since then they avoid humans, frickers are smart).
yes, there are some weird invasive species in germany
95% of the wild European raccoon population is centered around some random German city, where a nazi introduced them to hunt them for their fur.
I ehm need that towns name so I can get me a free pet coon
I don't mind if it's a bit feral, I'm plaaning on naming it jamal or lay-sha and feeding a steady diet of skidles(taste the pavement) anyway
The town is named Kassel.
Na they are everywhere now, and green frickers say we can't erradict them because they will jsut breed more (which totally contradicts that we succesfully erradicted countless species before), but then you can't hunt them during the time they have young, because animal cruelty.. greens...
Can I have a source on that?
No
You can google the "waschbär schonzeit" which is from March to (including) July in some states, so you cannot hunt them when they kill all the other breeding animals. Other states have abolished these.
And about the "more kids" when hunted, that's one of the arguments of the anti-hunters, you can find that in almost any article of them discussing that we already lost.
>„Während die einen seine Wiederausrottung und somit eine vehemente Bejagung fordern, sind andere der Auffassung, dass der Waschbär mittlerweile zu unserer heimischen Tierwelt dazugehört und somit das Recht auf eine friedliche Existenz hat.
>Populationsökologisch hat sich auch gezeigt, dass Bejagung oder Fang mit dem Ziel, die Populationsdichte zu reduzieren, zumeist ohne Erfolg bleibt: Waschbären können Populationsverluste durch eine vermehrte Fortpflanzungsrate ausgleichen, auch würden bei einer „Entnahme“ neue Tiere aus den umliegenden Gebieten in den dann unbesetzten Lebensraum nachrücken.“
Interesting. Though the Schonzeit doesn't exist everywhere, and Hessen (where most of them are located) apparently abolished it 5 years ago.
Still, it's dumb that an invasive species has a Schonzeit at all.
You can't hunt invasive species because that would give the people ideas about other invasive species
But you can hunt them, just not during nursing season.
It’ funny that you mention German in an Ostrich thread...
https://www.audubon.org/news/inside-germanys-giant-hungry-flightless-bird-problem
Based illiterate Anon refusing to read a thread before posting.
🙁
>Lebensraum
You better hope those raccoons don't invent fascism
>yes, there are some weird invasive species in germany
Why are you quoting Mein Kampf?
>How do I defend against a fricking ostrich if it attacks me unprovoked?
Assume the position. It's a well known fact that ostriches find humans to be very attractive, even more than other ostriches.
i too read that informative material
Bear traps. No, really, these things are fast and aggressive, I highly doubt a random civvie would have the reflexes and nerves of steel to stand up to a modern day dinosaur and cut off it's neck. It's better to be safe and set some traps.
I've seen a fat guy who looked like Mexican Mario grab one of these things around the neck and drop all his weight on it, it dropped instantly.
https://youtube.com/shorts/aHDkfryfOi4
Confuse the ostrich with a stunning display of primate dexterity. It will quickly become despondent over it's own lack of fingers.
There is a larger problem of butthole neighbors that needs to be discussed. What is the best way of driving out an unreasonable neighbor? Drone dropped gasoline bomb?
Have some helpful instructions
In the end you will cower before your avian Master, of course.
How can Australian men even COMPETE?
>LEAVE HER ALONE
>GET YOUR HANDS OFF
>that armpit
frick, im hard
What a homosexual. Just jump up and ride it to victory.
>Verification not required.
the bird has copeball vibes
MEMORIES BROKEN, THE TRUTH GOES UNSPOKEN
I'VE EVEN FORGOTTEN MY NAME
I remember that cool AU emu war illustration posted here before... can't find it, though.
Found it
test
frick jannies
test
are ostriches susceptible to antipersonnel mines?
Have you tried fricking it?
Doujin name?
not the guy but i seriously doubt there are many ostrich related doujins out there
It's by xxzero. I love the guy's style, but I hate the content, which usually involves animals.
She fricks ostriches
I want to see this.
https://999hentai.to/hchapter/9X2KNQSBqwuuQyHrq
Why
Why not?
>/k/ - A Magical Place
39 inch vegana.Don’t think so Tim.
Centimeter. That's just over 15 inches. 39 inches is almost 100 centimeters.
A detachment of Australian soldiers and two Lewis guns should take care of it
300 gal turkey fryer.
Big shear
Have the bird stuck its head in a door and pull.
This will kill the bird.
Ask your neighbor what he eats and ask for a bit of food and feed him when you water the plants. Become a better person and have a better life. Don't fill your mind with anger and obscurities, act like a real human being.
Dirty fricking ostrich talons typed this post
>ignore your natural impulses to defend yourself and your property
>feed the Black person-bird, cuck. It won't hurt you with its 6 inch talons and 2,000psi leg crushing power. That NEVER actually happens.
>>be a "real" human being
I bet you think real women have curves and testicles. Frickin homosexual.
honestly, Ostriches are kinda buttholes. If his neighbor got an Emu I would say befriend it, but I don't know if that's even possible with an Ostrich.
This is the way to go. You can turn the ostrich into a very powerful ally.
Men will fear you, women will want you
What if men and women are afraid of you both?
And you walk alone in the valley of the shadow of death?
Protected by bright burning flames of pure love?
Freely overflowing from the Lord Almighty?
What if God is your only master?
For God is love, He is supreme.
>Did I heart you haf ein Ostrich problem?
>May I suggest an Anschluss?
Hope for it to be a female, wait for it to lay an eggs and then silently shoot the fricker. Both their eggs and meet are pretty good.
>eggs
They smell like goat sweat and old cigarettes, I regret ever wanting to eat one
Heh heh heh the Emu War doesn't sound so fricking funny now, does it, c**t?
>im mad my neighbor had the audacity to do something. how can i ruin it for him?
Did this guy forget how to walk or something?
That video was taken in that guy's dream where he tries to run away but can't.
Just give it time. Bird will off itself, they're that dumb.
That's impressive. I doubt a human stuck like that would have the power to tear it's own head off.
Jesus Christ
The lack of room to move and thickness of our necks would make it almost impossible, we'd die by broken neck before we'd rip it out
IMPRESSIVE
How did it get into that situation anyway?
of course its chian
why do they even have ostridges?
To eat them. Duh
>of course its chian
China? Explains why it killed itself.
Most of its brain is in its spine. That head is just for it's eyes and mouth
Be that as it may, the thing is still dead as frick
i don't know what i was expecting but it definitely wasn't that.
goddamn.
Jesus!
fricking gruesome
Wait till the ostrich gets sick and frick it to assert dominance.
The only way you can frick an ostrich is if it’s a dead ostrich
Fight fire with fire. Get a cassowary.
just pepper spray it you gay
Capsaicin in pepper plants has specifically co-evolved to prevent mammals from eating seeds and allow birds that are unaffected to eat them instead and spread the plant farther than by mammals. CS based sprays would probably work.
Turn the fricking hose on it, dip shit.
Carry and weaken your fence just enough to where the bird can breach it, so it'll be justified if you have to defend yourself from it
Those things are dangerous, no lie. There was a ranch out here that a coworker worked on ages ago, and she told me that the rancher had hired three gruff South African guys since they had experience with ostriches. When this one ostrich got aggressive with her she was frightened for her life. She said their legs look like something out of Jurassic Park what with those huge talons.
Anyways, one of the South Africans saw and came right over, grabbed it by the neck with his left hand and just slugged the bird right in its football-sized head, once. Then the ostrich wobbled away all punch-drunk while the guy cussed it out in Afrikaaner.
I don't know how you practice something like that or find someone who can offer pointers on technique, but blunt force trauma reportedly keeps them in line. Maybe give it a smack with a two-by-four?
>I don't know how you practice something like
It's easy, you work your way up.
Start by punching chickadees. Move on to kicking chickens then turkeys. Pretty soon you'll be able to handle geese then swans after that you can move on to cassowaries. After you can pimp slap an emu you're ready for ostriches.
Ah so it’s like bullet immunity. Start with .22s. Thanks fren
No you start with a Kolibri or Liliput cartridge
Seems reasonable. Is there protective gear for this sort of thing? Maybe Anon's local zoo can recommend a good ostrich-proof vest?
Just grab it by the face and smack that b***h. I've done that to Ostriches and Emus a shit load of times.
Put some big ass tennis shoes on it and ride homie ride
Get yourself a bow and those arrows the Romans made to decapitate ostriches.
>scared of a flightless bird that's behind a fence
why are americans such cowards lol
Punch it in the neck, they go down real easy.
Get 5 cassowaries
OK let me tell you how to defend against against an ostrich
you need the mightiest weapon of them all
the weapon feared by generation of ostrich
the weapon they tell legends about to their kids (they don't, ostrich are fricking stupid)
a broom
the wider the better
you hold it up
the wide brushy part against the ostrichs neck
the bottom neck is easier to hit
and then
you keep them on distance until they have calm down
Easy right?
>t. jobbed at a wild park with ostrich fro about 2years
also best thread on /k/ for ages
Also I forgot
never get into close combat with ostrich
they are fricking scary up close
dumb but still scary
their neck is their week point
if you can get your arm around their neck you basically controll them
but it's quite difficult to get to this point
so
use a broom
Caltrops sprinkled densely by the fenceline. I'm serious, get some thick wire and make a shitload of caltrops.
>nearly professional bird raiser here
You just need to be the alpha bird. Stand tall, be confident.
Also, get yourself a diamond sword or some sort of foam toy weapon to put between you that it can grab with its beak
A mastersword also works
I don't think Ostrich is that different from rhea so it should work
study history, anon.
stand on the shoulders of giants.