You have to fight a hippo. You can ONLY use melee weapons. You can also wear armor. What are you bringing?

You have to fight a hippo. You can ONLY use melee weapons. You can also wear armor.
What are you bringing?

250 Piece Survival Gear First Aid Kit

LifeStraw Water Filter for Hiking and Preparedness

250 Piece Survival Gear First Aid Kit

  1. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    a spear, armor is useless because it will just crush you better to stay mobile

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      A spear won’t do shit. Honestly I’d just get a maul and yolo it. Or if the goal is to survive, spear and try to keep distance and flee

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Spears are the go to for any thick skinned animal. You really think you cant stab through a hippos thick flesh but you thick you can break its thick skull? It's literally evolved to smash it's head into things as a defense.
        Meanwhile native dindus have hunted them before with spear.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >A pointed stick? Hell no dude, give me a sledgehammer.
        You are fricking moronic dude. Like braindead. What the frick is wrong with you? Are you a downie or something? This isn't even a matter of having to have some sort of autistic knowledge about hippos or medieval weapons, it's just basic human instinct.
        If a dog was coming at you, would you rather have a pitchfork or a claw hammer?

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >clearly the animal that takes constantly heavy blows from forces stronger than any human can muster will be killed with a sledgehammer

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          NTA. What about pickaxe?

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            seeing as the hippo constantly fights other hippos with the same type of implement & doesn't die when it happens
            uh, sure!

            • 3 weeks ago
              Anonymous

              The takeaway message from this skull is that you should never go for the head. Try to impale the body, get the lungs, etc.

              • 3 weeks ago
                Anonymous

                if i'm ever targeted by a big critter that wants to kill me, I AM AIMING FOR THE EYES!!

              • 3 weeks ago
                Anonymous

                The first two fallout games are so fricking good.

              • 3 weeks ago
                Anonymous

                Since you didn't specify how many melee weapons I can have, I choose 1000 boar spears and a shovel. I create a circle of spears sticking out of the ground at roughly 30° to 45° angles with an inside diameter of 20 yards, like a 1 man circle schiltron. I sit in the middle meditating until the hippo appears, then watch it until it either makes a move or goes away. Hopefully, my hedgehog defense is enough to deter the beast. If it charges at me, I go to the far end of the circle and wait with my holdout spear. If it makes it through the spear wall I'm likely fricked, but I will go down stabbing.

                >tfw always took Fast Shot as a kid and didn't even know this was an option

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Hippos smash into each other when they fight in the wild. Your melee weapon will only serve to hasten your inevitable death. At least with spears you have the possibility of ranged attacks and making enough critical puncture wounds to give you room to go Oscar Mike.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Chug spears from afar

      7' steel pole with sharp point & flat ground tamperer style end
      no armor because i don't wanna weight myself down, as i'm going to attempt to have it run into the spear, and that'll require all my effort to ensure that happens

      shutup dumbass just say spear LMAO

      A spear won’t do shit. Honestly I’d just get a maul and yolo it. Or if the goal is to survive, spear and try to keep distance and flee

      https://i.imgur.com/45W9lKD.jpeg

      Don't tribesmen in Africa do this all the time? It can be that hard

      This is a video of people actually hunting a Hippo

      ?t=2779
      id use a spear

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        THE ELEPHANT IS PULLING SPEARS OUT OF HIM WITH HIS TRUNK WTF

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        this based pilot is doing flyby after flyby over these insurgents because theyve just been given guns and so 'they dont know how to use them'

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        You killed the thread with your interesting documentary

  2. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I cuck and only bring an ostrich feather.

  3. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Chug spears from afar

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      That would be extremely painful

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        You're a big guy

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          bump

  4. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    7' steel pole with sharp point & flat ground tamperer style end
    no armor because i don't wanna weight myself down, as i'm going to attempt to have it run into the spear, and that'll require all my effort to ensure that happens

  5. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I carry as many leaf-bladed heavy javelins as I can into a tree and launch them into the hippo
    >no tree climbing homosexual
    Fine then a 16ft Macedonian pike and no armor as the armor will only slow me down

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >pike
      >naked
      this anon gets it, it's hot as shit in the desert, and there's no point in armoring yourself against a beast that can gore right through it or just trample you

  6. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Gladius, Pilum, Scutum.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Roma Invicta

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      This

      https://i.imgur.com/wcxRAOh.jpeg

      We're both going down (eventually)

      But also this

  7. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    We're both going down (eventually)

  8. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    my weapon will be a suicidal midget.
    just as the hippo is charging at me with it's mouth roaring, I immediately throw the midget headfirst into it's gaping jaws.

    Then the midget will dive into it's throat and thrash about and claw the hippo's insides, and hopefully the hippo will suffocate and die from oxygen deprivation or bleed internally to death.

  9. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Maybe if you had a giant fricking pike you might have a chance.
    Or quietly put down whatever weapon you had and tried to walk away in a fashion that wouldn't piss off the hippo and arouse its bloodlust, you certainly aren't outrunning it.

  10. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    lunge mine

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      This. Without an explosive on a stick you're just deciding what you want to flail uselessly as you get destroyed.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarissa
      my only chance is to get it propped well enough so it wouldn't give and trick the fricker into empaling itself on it

      why didnt they just make it throwable like an explosive throwing spear

  11. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarissa
    my only chance is to get it propped well enough so it wouldn't give and trick the fricker into empaling itself on it

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      pig spear sized for a rhino. same concept as the sarissa and the other spear options but it also has a crossbar so that the rhino gets held up until the shaft of the spear breaks. said shaft will probably be a steel pipe.
      if the spear breaks then it's still punching in enough to reach the heart.

  12. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A huge bag of marbles

    • 3 weeks ago
      Its zorbin time

      Checkmate autists

  13. 3 weeks ago
    Its zorbin time

    Big ol' spear and one of those Zorb soccer balls as "armor". Not sure if it would give me a good shot, but at least I would have some fun before getting trampled to death.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      That image is what it feels like to be vored.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >smear inside with lube
        >strip and wriggle in
        >????

  14. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A good sturdy pike.
    Anchor it in the ground, aim for the mouth as it charges, and let physics do the rest

  15. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I'll bring a chainsaw, and wear gauntlets and vambraces.
    The chainsaw is going in that fricker's mouth.

  16. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A bag of poisoned 5" caltrops and a sturdy boar pike.

  17. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >16ft pike
    >plate armor
    Those teeth are not getting near me

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      The plate armor is rather superflous, wouldn't do any good if the pike failed.

      https://i.imgur.com/45W9lKD.jpeg

      Don't tribesmen in Africa do this all the time? It can be that hard

      Anon think of the advertisers...

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >armor is rather superflous, wouldn't do any good if the pike failed.
        It would if it looked like this.

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          >hippo sits on you, hardly noticing
          >cracked like a nut

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Name one instance of a hipper ever sitting on someone. They don't do that.

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          That's bear armor.
          A hippo is not a bear, you need to get some hippo armor.

  18. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    My penis

  19. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Don't tribesmen in Africa do this all the time? It can be that hard

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I assume that they do it in groups, not solo

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Hippos are fricking scary man. They'll hit the bottom of your boat if you're on the river to capsize you and maul you

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Being so brutal is probably the only way to coexist with crocodiles

  20. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A zweihander, unironically

  21. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Entrenching tool
    >dig hole
    >find sticks
    >sharpen with tool
    >place in hole
    >lure hippo
    >???
    >profit
    foolproof

  22. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    LUCERNE
    PLATE ARMOR WITH BRIGHT CLOTHES BENEATH

  23. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Pick related, I'm only going to get one swing but I can't see myself actually bringing it down with anything else.

  24. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Bang stick with 50bmg black tip head
    Anti tank spear(HEAT on a stick) like the japanese had and blast armor with skates

    Laugh and grow fat

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >EOD suit, lunge mine
      Clever, use the armor you're allowed to protect yourself from your own weapon not the hippo.
      >roller skates
      >anon's Hurt Locker cosplay careens into a raging hippo and explodes
      kek, best answer yet

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Lunge mine and EOD suit is the best one here, I’d much rather take the chances with surviving the explosion than try to fight the hippo with a spear.

  25. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous
  26. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A drainage pump

  27. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    2 buckets of bleach hog tied together

  28. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    WITNESS MEEEEE!

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      MEDIOCRE

  29. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    oh frick yeah. Plate armor, and spear. along with a lot of knives. I'm a fricking larper, so once I frick up with the spear I gotta rely on grab and stab. Armor is fricking strong and hippos are moronic. if I hang on and keep jammin' I think I could be good. But thems big words, and that's a large mammal.

  30. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A torch, an envenomed spear and a few envenomed javelins.

  31. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I may not survive, but no fricking way is the hippo

  32. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I'm sorry but I fail to see how this is relevant to joining the military propaganda or supporting Ukraine.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      russians employee war hippos, haven't you seen the latest fpv drone footage?

  33. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A chainsaw.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I have a pole chainsaw that I use for tall trees, I bet that could work pretty well too

  34. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    zweihander

  35. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Pike and a suicide vest.

  36. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A Gundam suit with frickhueg sword or picrel

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      This.
      Fricking tank with a bigass spear stuck in the barrel. Frick that hippo.

  37. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >get some roller skates
    >15ft spear
    >skate around hippo stabbing him
    >if hippo charges you, just stick spear into hippo and let him push you
    >hippo can't reach you and you can move just as fast as him even in reverse

  38. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    One of those big heavy boar spears with a massive crossbar

  39. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Box of Dominos pizza
    Maybe an AK-47

  40. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I just take a double dose of preworkout then run around until the thing collapses and dies of a heart attack, like the gladiator scene from Life of Brian. Look how fat it is, doesnt stand a chance.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Hippos can run 30-45km/h, you will not outrun it.

  41. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    lets go ya c**t

  42. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >16th century plate armour.
    >Pike or Boar Spear. Probably pike.
    >Pointed single-handed Falchion for crossover between gladius and axe, while also being good for point AP stuff.
    >War pick for whaling on its forehead.
    >Some very sharp knives.

    All you guys not taking armour don't know just how valuable it is to have a circle of tempered steel around you for taking big impacts. The support against crushing or trampling is insane for how little it weighs.

  43. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Give me a shovel and enough time to dig spider-holes in Robert the Bruce style and I'll walk up and give it a mercy kill after all 4 of its legs are broken.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Give me a shovel and enough time

      Well I guess a shovel is a melee weapon...

  44. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    fiberglass/carbon fiber laminated armor because of its superior crush-resistance, and some 15ft pikes with .50 cal powerheads attached... still melee, technically?

  45. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    my penus weenus

  46. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    A boar spear if the obvious choice but frick it, give me a chest plate and a ridiculously large sword and prepare to see a hippopotamus get rekt.

  47. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    one of those "stun guns" and a sword with snake venom or some crazy poison on it

  48. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I bring a watermelon, I have no enemies.

  49. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    This but with a longer shaft

  50. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    MOSHI MOSHI MOTHERFRICKER

  51. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Do it with style even if more dangerous.
    No armor, it will just slow you down, those jaws will crush plate.

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