How to survive a royal beating

If you’re anything like myself, chances are you’ve been in a few physical fights. And if you’re like me you’ve probably been on the receiving end of your fair share of pummelings. When this happens all the time, your friends tend to get tired of giving you a hand and the hospital bills kind of pile up. But there are a few things you can do to avoid painting the sidewalk with your brains.

Taking defense classes at the Y or learning a retarded martial art some dickhead invented is great if you want to feel like you can kick some ass.

Even if they work (they don't), all those lessons go right out the window when you get hit in the nose or a group of three to four guys, who easily outweigh you, decide to give you the boots. If you’re lucky, they’ll probably give up after you’re on the ground and bleeding pretty good or they’ve gotten tired of kicking and punching your head.

But if you’ve really perfected the art of being a complete prick then they won’t give up till you’re out cold or someone has to call the ambulance. Next time you’re getting your shit kicked in, try these five simple tricks and you might not end up with a life long neurological disorder like myself.

Throw your dignity to the wind

Nobody wants to beat the living fuck out of a baby, unless they’re a deranged psychopath and if that’s the case then you’re fucked either way. When a guy is raining blows upon your fragile little head and you start crying, his pure hate and anger turns to pity and embarrassment. Once you start weeping, most guys will just feel bad and decide you’re such a piece of shit that it’s not even worth beating the crap out of you. This is the oldest trick in the book and to be quite honest, it’s the least effective.

Crying might get someone to stop removing your teeth with their fists but there’s a couple of things you can do to avoid it getting that far to begin with. Saying you’re sorry is always a great place to start when trying to calm someone down. That’s a pretty difficult word to say and often times it’s too little too late.

Establish common ground, however tenuous

Sometimes the better route is to let them think you have something in common or something is true about your personal life that will make them hate you less. This is particularly true if you’re white and it looks like you’re going to get into a fight with a black guy.

One of the best things you can do in this scenario is make him think your parents are a biracial couple. Especially considering it was probably some “racist bull-shit” you said to get him all worked up in the first place. It’s key that you make it clear that it’s your father who’s black and your mother who’s white. I don’t know why this is but it doesn’t tend to work so well the other way around.

It helps even more if you say you never knew your biological father and the black dad has been there since day one and you consider HIM to be your “real father.” This doesn’t work all the time but I have avoided some good ass-kickings and even had a few rounds bought for me because of it.

Insist you are a Big Gay and become really sassy

Another good one is making them think you’re a homosexual. When you’re in the street, surrounded by a few guys cracking their knuckles it’s only a matter of time before the word “fag” or “gay” comes out of someone’s mouth. When it does, pretend you’re one of the sistahs from In Living Color and let out a big “EXCUUUUSE ME!?” You’ll notice them all pause like a needle just skipped on a record.

Use this opportunity to go on a tirade about all of the shit you and your boyfriend have to deal with everyday and how homophobic it is they just assumed you weren’t gay because you didn’t have a lisp. More often than not they’ll just look around and get the hell out of there for fear of getting arrested by the PC Police. If they don’t then they’ll just argue with you about whether you’re gay or not. That won’t last long though and they’ll eventually decide it’s not worth the trouble.

Or become a cancer survivor

Saying you’re a cancer survivor works swimmingly as well. Everybody hates cancer but they love people who has or had it. Don’t get too carried away with this one and say you had ball cancer. They’re going to call bullshit on that and beat the fuck out of you even harder for claiming to have had cancer. People might even gather around and cheer them on as they tear your face apart with their boots.

Go with lymphoid cancer. A lot of people don’t even know what a fucking lymphoid is and it sounds so particular that they won’t even ask any questions. Most people have dealt with someone in their life battling cancer so you might want to know what you’re talking about. But for some reason people get so awkward when cancer comes up that they won’t even pry. Sometimes they’ll even apologize to you.


Sooner or later you’ll find someone who’s completely unaffected by these tricks of the weak and cowardly and won’t think twice about turning your head into a pancake.

When this finally happens you have to remember to keep your cool because you’ll need to be convincing as possible. It’s pretty hard to do this when you’re wearing the inside of your nose as a mask but if you’re able to deliver it with the utmost sincerity it could be the difference between partying the next night and your loved ones identifying your body at the morgue. Once you’re bathing in your own blood and there’s no sign of your new fistfight friend letting up, simply give out a sinister cackle and say “I HAVE AIDS, YOU IDIOT!”

Not only will the beating end but your amateur facial reconstructive surgeon will disappear into thin air like an over the top Siegfried and Roy act.

This one should be saved for almost certain death but it can also stop a fight before it begins.


You should know how to fight and be willing to put your dukes up. But also know when you're outmatched and about to get your head smashed to smithereens. These tricks don’t always work and it takes a while to get the hang of who will and won’t fall for them. But if you’re going to become well versed in the art of surviving bouts of getting your head kicked in, I suggest you familiarize yourself with them.

  1. 8 years ago

    Its pointless to learn a ‘retarded martial art’ however the golden era of Strip Mall McDojos teaching ‘confidence building’ fakefighting is over. We live in an age where there is effective, 360 degree combat-sports instruction pretty much everywhere in the form of MMA and its various, real-world effective components (Boxing, Muay Thai, BJJ, Wrestling, etc). Its like learning to play the guitar. You won’t be able to do anything meaningful in a week or a month but persist for a few months, suddenly, you’ll have developed chops. Do it for years, you’ll get good. People don’t understand that fighting is EXACTLY like learning a musical instrument since so much ego is associated with ones ability to fight. Men delude themselves into believing that since they’ve been in a few scraps with other retards in a bar, they’ll be able to perform against someone who has developed skills. Its like handing a random person an Oboe and telling them to play a concerto. The difference is, nobody believes they have a magical, innate ability to play the oboe.

    There is a fairly simple rule for people who get into a lot of fights, though.

    People who get into a lot of fights deserve to lose every single one. Hopefully, you’ll eventually be killed in one. I’ve been doing the MMA thing for a while, I’m large (200+) and there aren’t many fights with random assholes I’m ever going to lose. I haven’t had a street fight since I was 17. I have, however, walked away from three, against turds (probably like you) who I could’ve taken down and choked out and/or knocked right the fuck out in > 30 seconds.

    Street fights are for white trash losers.

    • 8 years ago

      MMA and any sort of wrestling is retarded for real world self defense. You absolutely never want to grapple, clinch, or leave your feet. MMA only works in a magical world where there’s no biting, eye gouging, or elbow blows. Watch some worldstar streetfight vids where an MMA bro takes it to the ground. About 100% of the time the guy doing the grappling gets bitten and loses a chunk! Too bad there’s no ref.

      Any real world fight where your safety is a concern is about staying on your feet and finding the opportunity to set off on a sprint. ProTip: be faster than most people. Have a good 400m time. In terms of actual combat, you want to arm yourself ASAP. Grab anything useful. If there’s nothing, stick to boxing, which is easy when you bite the guy or elbow him in the face if he tries to grapple.

      • 8 years ago

        There’s a lot of truth to what you say, but, frankly, if a collegiate wrestler corners you, you’re probably going to the ground. Biting and eye gouging are excellent anti-MMA tactics, but… guys with serious grappling skills are a nightmare in a street fight. Best move, when you can’t get out of a confrontation: the zero-honor sucker punch.

        • 8 years ago

          Going to the ground is the last thing you want to do if there are multiple attackers, however if you’re strong, able bodied, have a background in combat sports, know how to shoot a double and sink in a RNC, you win 99% of any fights you encounter with random bar retard. Average Joe has literally no fucking idea what to do in that situation and the freak 1% you encounter someone who can withstand it, you encountered another fighter (in which case you both realize what’s happening, have a good laugh and go get a beer) or a majorly freak athlete who may have outlying strength and athleticism that subsumes your skill (in which case, you have a real problem on your hands, you’re about to take an ass whipping)

          Try ‘biting’ with an arm under your chin. You don’t have long with your carotid arteries pinched shut before you see fuzz and go nighty-night.

          Also, “World Star Videos” are almost always tard versus tard.

  2. 8 years ago
    Ghetto Defendant

    Or you can start acting like a person when you go through the world and stop being a passive agressive, mumbly, snarking annoying shit if you can’t actually back anything up when it gets real agressive real quickly. Street smart people know how to behave to avoid fights in the first place, just as much as they know how to fight them. Dong is absolutely right, if youve been getting into fights for years and getting your ass handed to you, then you haven’t learned shit about life and you deserve every street lesson the world gives you.

  3. 8 years ago
    Mark Henry's Hand Baby

    Martial arts became obsolete the moment Al Gore invented the Stone Cold Stunner.

    • 8 years ago

      Al Gore invented to Stone Cold Stunner?

  4. 8 years ago

    Gross. Motor. Skills.

  5. 8 years ago
    Woodrow Wilson

    Perhaps the piece is more of an exploration of human nature/ what is culturally motivating. Done via the medium of a fistfight?

  6. 8 years ago
    wheat is murder

    if your goal is cowardice as survival, dont forget to shit/piss/vomit if possible. if you are just talkin shit all the time, you deserve a good roughin’ up.

  7. 8 years ago

    I don’t understand how people over 20 can get into a street/bar fight. To get any where close to a fight as an adult you have to make a series of egregiously stupid choices that stretch over hours, if not weeks. You have to have such horrible situational awareness that you missed your cue to change course or just beat it about 20 times.

    I hope you die of a subdural hematoma.

  8. 8 years ago

    Just stay inside and everything will be fine.

  9. 8 years ago
    Stevie One-Leg

    Who are you people?

  10. 8 years ago

    It’s hard to shoot a double on Stevie One-Leg.

  11. 8 years ago

    The reason Royce Gracie won UFC’s 1, 2 (would’ve won 3 but for an unexpected medical issue) and 4 – against men who were massively larger, stronger and ‘badder’- is because he knew what to do. Most men have absolutely no rational understanding of just how unskilled they are relative to someone who takes fight sports seriously.

    Its like a college basketball player going 1 on 1 with a 6th grader.

    • 8 years ago

      I just googled “Royce Gracie.” Are you 50 years old?

      • 8 years ago

        If you had to Google who Royce Gracie was, do you really think you have an opinion of any value whatsoever in this conversation?

  12. 8 years ago
    Terry Thomas

    Internet tough guys of the world unite!

    • 1 year ago

      I will crush you

      • 1 year ago

        So damn valid.

  13. 1 year ago
    devilish muscle man

    This is an open challenge to any 120 pound woman who thinks they can win
    I will make you beg for mercy
    34.9554947 -115.5360246

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