A lich, an undead necromancer of great power, is asshurt at you and has decided to assault your current location along with his personal army of zombies, skeletons, wights, wraiths and ghouls.
You have one week's time to prepare for the onslaught, along with a blank check to purchase whatever weapons and gear you want, as well as a huge task force to build whatever fortifications you desire.
How will you survive?
At least 12,000 dollars will be spent on foreign hookers leading up to this day. An empty moat around my home approximately 8ft deep. Inside that are walls to protect my house itself. Inside the walls, at least four ZU-23-2s for air cover. However, inside the moat, I have an army of the entire homeless population of both Tennessee and Mississippi, enticed by Newports and a crisp 20 dollar bill. They are armed with swords (picrel) and armor made out of old car parts. I myself will be armed with a M240b and a crucifix.
That undead gay stands no chance against my Crackhead Legionnaires.
needs more katanas
Go to Japan. Hire Aika for a week of nonstop sex. I orgasm within a minute and recharge in less than that, so it will be nonstop orgasm for me. Hire Yakuza for protection. Let them deal with it.
Lots of automated gun turrets plus a spear with a tip made of some wacky alloy with as many metals as possible to be sure I've got the right one for hitting wraiths. Also, light the place with as many wavelengths of light as possible to ensure I've got whatever part of sunlight damages undead.
>as many wavelengths of light as possible to ensure I've got whatever part of sunlight damages undead
Unfortunately they're harmed by the Sun, not by light.
So what you're saying is light generated via nuclear explosions will work?
Nuclear explosions are not "the Sun" and only an autistic person would confuse the two.
As a scientist, I'm obligated to test this and my autism is none of your business.
liches can only be killed permanently by destroying their phylactery so you'd have to invest in spies to figure out where and what it is (and if it's even something conventionally destructible or if you also need a court wizard for this one too)
nuke israel, do a 360, shoot myself in the head before the lich can fuck with me
You realize not only will your death not stop the necromancer from fucking with you but will empower him to do so?
Stronger beings than the bitch lich would protect
.
You would enter the kingdom of eternity the ultimate war hero. I am envious of your answer.
>giving a being whose whole gimmick is raising people from the dead, a corpse
You didn't think this through
I assure you that I did.
I don't know how to tell you this anon, but OP's lich isn't a hot chick with big boobies like Wiz.
I made my choices a long time ago.
best girl
Megumin pedos, aqua cucks and darkness trannies will never understand
How do we feel about Chris likers around these parts? I think her outfit is cute.
>darkness trannies
???
Literally all you have to do is phrase whatever you want as some kind of retarded S&M routine and she'll do literally anything for you.
>Oh no it's not that I want to live in a healthy and normal relationship with you, it's uh, a mind break stepford wife broodmare fetish. Now make me a nice dinner, but uh... do it because you're a powerless whore.
This logic literally works on her.
I wonder how Pringleszhin felt about Sylvia
I bet he fapped to her
you know, i've always wondered, did she start as a woman and then stitched-on a dick, or did he start as a dude, and then bolt-on a pair of tits?
neither, she's a chimera who can mimic other creatures
I assume that at some point it learned to copy human anatomy and decided that being a tall big titty big cock deliciously brown futanari was what she wanted to do with her life
>not realizing that Megumin is literally the most PrepHole character in the show
I like my short and cute waifu with explosive tendencies.
Women are for fertility anon.
What if I like my woman young and cute?
it means you're a low-t chud anon.
What about only 20-25?
then that means you're an average-t normie.
What you like is irrelevant, what matters is fertility.
Women younger than 16 have more miscarriages and birth complications.
Women with smaller hips have more miscarriages and birth complications.
Women are for breeding.
milk
All you've done is enable the lich to summon gnomish zombies, millions of them. Good job dumb-dumb.
>commit giga-sin
>commit mega-sin
>leave behind a corpse
Not only will the lich fuck you for as long as he like, the devil's going to be the next in line.
>commit giga-sin
You wouldn't get it.
>Sin
>Suffer not the witch to live
>How will you survive?
I find and destroy his phylactery, obviously.
Bitch, I live right next to a military base.
i'm gonna have lizard sex
That question has nothing to do with conventional weapons if wraiths are in that mix. You need some source of holy power to deal with those and if you have it, you might as well forget the guns and go all-in on that.
Maybe try Stephen King rules, find your nearest Holy Place that fits and get a blessing on your ammo, start believing again if necessary.
Use +1 bullets anon, don't you have those?
>zombies, skeletons, wights, wraiths and ghouls.
every single one of those is vulnerable to radiant damage
start dipping bullets in holy water, have a local cleric clast blessings and “until long rest” spells on my raifu and swear an oath of vengeance against the undead menace so I can also spend spell slots on divine smites against the tougher undead
Russian war priests blessing kalashnicovs.jpeg
>radiant damage
It's called POSITIVE ENERGY YOU CHILD
ok grampa
>wraiths
What the fuck am I supposed to do about that besides pray and beg God to save me?
You pray to God so hard that he gives you magic powers.
Yeah
Instead of waiting a whole week I pay someone to dox him and give the info to every ghetto in the world, in the second day he's getting drivebyed constantly because gangs can sometimes be extremely religious which as a result he has no undead by the time day 7 passes leading to him having to show up by himself, now looking at the picture the necromancer is a skinny as motherfucker and I'm fat so I'll just push him to the ground like a bundle of sticks then belly flop onto him breaking his fragile body.
i grab my bible, buy an m60, every single box of 7.62 i can find and surround my house with barbed wire
some mortars too
why an m60? i just like it
i don't care about undead that can be physically destroyed, they're all infantry with no armor and can be easily dispatched with close air support. a simple chain link fence of adequate height will stop their advance. what I'm concerned about is the supernatural fuckers who can't just be shot. those need special treatment that i really don't understand. step 1 is to find a team of people who can take care of that, and get them everything they need.
next, just build a bigass fence that can be shot through to keep zambies et al at bay.
then air support. a couple choppers with door guns and maybe some kind of missile/cannon would be perfect. if there are some planes that can provide bombing runs, even better.
infantry will consist of a bunch of guys armed 50/50, either AR-10 in .308 or belt fed 12ga turret emplacement. rate of fire and aoe will be paramount close in for the large number of infantry, but they have no armor or even personal armor.
keep infantry handled, have the squint squad handle the undead, air support to soften up from afar and manage up close with automatic fire. simple as
How would PrepHole handle the tarrasque? For background
>Size and strength is godzilla tier
>extremely tough natural armor that put all else to shame
>can reflect magic back at a caster
>you can't fly above it's reach due to magic
>it can jump extremely high
>it can regenerate from any injuries, even if it's reduced to atoms
>it can swallow people whole and it's stomach acid can melt steel
>it wants to destroy everything
>regen, even from atoms
Sounds like bioweapons are the only option
The only thing that can stop it is powerful reality warping magic.
as of 5e the Tarrasque no longer has regeneration
As of 5e wizards of the coast can feed on my sneed, nothing exists past 3.5.
5e is neutered and pussified. Pathfinder 1e is the closest thing to the proper experience, and all of their content is open source unlike the crap WotC shit out. Also gunslinger is kino as fuck.
There are about ten trillion 3e PDFs online, no one has to play Transfinder.
launch it into space and fling it towards the sun/a black hole. It'll no longer be my problem.
Wish
.45 ACP
I take my family and use my blank check to rent a cabin for like 3 months. I'm at my house right now, and if the dumb gay is going to assault my "current location" and can just sit around at my vacant house.
Buy myself a ticket into Fort Knox
Let the US and the garden gnomes do everything for me
Ermor please go. You know perfectly well your skeletal legions are weak to fire, and I have plenty of that.
Build a death star with my unlimited money then use the main gun to shoot the earth where my "current location" was 7 days ago.
>a highly powerful wizard who can clearly control thousands if not more undead
You're not gonna be able to fucking hide from him you dorks, you'll get scryed on. I'm assuming the only reason the gay OP gives you a week is so you actually have time to prepare since you'd get fucked hard if Acererak the Eternal came at you without some grand plan.
Also
>buy magic guns and ammo, preferably holy and silver
>line my apartment complex with lead to prevent scrying
>get several Olympic swimming pools worth of holy water and set it up around the building, with barbed wire (also silver)
>get building blessed and sanctified
>set up floodlights on every corner of the building
>hire a wizard to animate tanks and artillery
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night;
Nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness;
Nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
>personal army of zombies, skeletons, wights, wraiths and ghouls.
>You have one week's time to prepare for the onslaught, along with a blank check to purchase whatever weapons and gear you want
okay so no going through the NFA process, if the lich army doesn't get me, the ATF will.
>fly my kid and his mom out to a different state.
>Buy enough M193 to arm the Australian military and enough magazines to store them
>2 barrels worth of gasoline
>pay a bunch of homeless people to bring me any Styrofoam trash they find
>a few trips to Lowe's or home Depot
>make napalm and other IEDs
>Mossberg 500 with shells loaded with rock salt and iron shavings
>get a priest to bless my weapons and supplies
>embezzle enough to pay off all of my debt and start a college fund for my kid
Plan is simple:
>spend the next few days making the surrounding area as inhospitable to the living or the undead as possible. Punji pits, aforementioned IEDs, and other fun surprises
>funnel the army along path of my choice, right into my fire zone. the only threats are the wraiths, hopefully iron and salt can handle them but it depends on the setting.
>if I get overwhelmed, I burn the place down with the napalm
if you want actual napalm the edgewood arsenal formula for Napalm-B is
>46% polystyrene
>33% gasoline
>21% benzene
the original formula uses aluminum soap but the manufacturing is more difficult and the napalm isn't quite as effective
i calmly ask him why he's asshurt and if i can join his badass skellington army
>Acererak, that bitch, put a flaming turd on my doorstep.
>I go to the top of my obsidian fortress, look at my crystal ball, call him up.
>"Vecna preserve my rotting bones... Acererak, you're looking ugly as ever."
>Hang up before he can respond, sit on my throne.
>Cast message and tell my Wight commanders to open up the dreadcairns, we're having Acererak over for dinner.
>Cast glyphs of warding with 8th level delayed blast fireball, with the command to "trigger for anyone except Vayakaras the Undying and his minions"
>Search through my library of spell scrolls, pulls out 6 scrolls of sunburst, 20 of incendiary cloud, 3 of feeblemind, and 20 of telepathy, to insult Acererak with when he gets here.
>"The dreadcairns are open, Dark Lord!"
>I sit back down on my throne and wait. Even if he wins, it's only a minor setback, I'll be back in a week tops.
I create a large antimagic field effect to cover my grounds. You move undead magic guy.
Reminds me of that joke build where you make yourself invincible to anything but magic, and then surround yourself in an Anti Magic field forever that can only be dispelled from the inside, by one spell.
A battle between two of those casters was described as them shooting arrows at each other enchanted to dispel the anti magic field, and whoever ran out of fields or arrows first lost.
Go full on army of darkness with my ride having the spinning skeleton smasher a castle some peasants and my trustee boomstick. Shop smart, shop S mart.
These threads are all made by a single butthurt spearfag with the intention of delisting melee threads in general by ascociating them with fantastical nonsense.
What’s wrong with spears? They have no modern purpose outside of sport hunting but what’s the issue?
Go check out any melee thread, shit son even in a thread dedicated to SHORT SWORDS the spearfag simply must fag.
We made SCG - Spearfag Containment General, it died after 10 posts.
Spearfags only fag in threads unrelated to spears.
They.Simply.Must.Fag
>We made SCG - Spearfag Containment General, it died after 10 posts.
Spearfags can never have anything like a comfy sword thread. They can't just hang out with each other, enjoying spears, because their enjoyment of spears is *exclusively* tied up in their huffing-and-puffing smug-cuck feelings of superiority, they all want to be matt Easton or Skallagrim or lindybeige smugly "correcting" the "silly" sword people and showing everyone how smart they are. That's the *only* thing they like, they don't actually like spears the way we like swords, and so they can't talk amongst themselves about them for long. They have to butt into other threads and go "heh, I'd take a HAAAAAAALBERD" even if it doesn't make sense in the scenario, and they just sit there waiting for someone to comment on it.
You can make a thread called like
"You get a magic sword, what do?"
And sure as shit a spearfag will show up and say (presumably in a nasaly smug voice) "can I switch it out for a haaaaaaaaal berrrrrrrd?"
Look at how sword threads are titled, it's a fifty fifty split between
>Picture of sword
>Can home defend with sword???
Vs
>Picture of sword
>What's your favorite sword?
Vs every single spear thread
>LE FUNNI SOIJAK HOLDING SWORD WITH SPEAR UP ASS
>OMGEEE SWORD SSSSISSTER TRANNIES?????? HOW CAN WE RECOVER?!?!
>20 posts maximum
>Half are bumps
It's true.
Buy a C130 and 21 tons of white phosphorous to spread across the battlefield
Holy water, Faith, and Righteous fury along with some sort of spiked mace would suffice.
I can't take skeletons seriously as enemies anymore since I learned that the human skeleton weighs approximately 15 pounds. You could literally just lift them over your head and throw them.
Hire a single Kabbalahist Rabbi to defend me. Golems will smash through skeletons. gnomish sorcerers often are comparable to level 15 mages while your average litch is level 13.
i hire a bunch of dwarves and start digging
SxS 12 gauge. Chainsaw. Prominent chin. Tan Oldsmobile Delta 88. Enough said.
Summon a dragon maid to destroy them.
I just fucking run and don't stop 'til I hit the ocean, then find a boat and keep going.
Alternatively I'll see if I can call the Amethyst Order for some thaumaturgical assistance.
find the most corrupt church i can (probably ROC) and bribe them to fight the liches army for me. i'll make sure to equip them with body armor and guns, but they'll be the ones blessing them and destroying the unholy dead.
I hire /tg/ to challenge him to a rap battle.
>Blank check
I hire an army of /tg/ rules lawyers to get a temporary injunction in court to delay his onslaught and then have them bore him and the GM to death until eventually the GM flips the table, gives up, and the lich ceases to exist.
alright, i got this.
for starters, what info do i have on this thing? lets be real. nobody is gonna win a war of attrition against it. i need to go on the offensive.
im thinkin a small team of washed up 80s actors. armed to the teeth with shotguns loaded with silver pellets. smoke bombs made with holy water. 1911s with hollowpoint rounds each caped with wax from candles in churchs, grenades, and flamethrowers. im sure someone could bless the fuel.
everyone will have a crucifix of gold or silver because lets be real. nobody can beat god, so if hes on my side we all good.
now i am still going to want a fortress. it will keep all the women safe or at least create a distraction so the a team doesnt have to face down the entire skeleforce.
so narrow hallways (limit the flow), uv lights (will weaken wraiths), stairs that go up and down (zombies will have difficulty with that). every turn in the hallway will have some gnomish ai operated flame thrower or something nasty.
the fortress is just spiraling corridors that are meant to buy the main team time while we track down his weakness. anything from yoinking his philactory, to maybe finding his resurected childhood dog/gf , closing the portal to our realm with us traped on the other side, maybe steal his silly books and sell it to the resident trickster god in exchange for dope magic power.
You're a moron if you don't move to a defensible building that has armed security. A family home is likely to be overwhelmed or burn down.
I'm a dark brotherhood assassin with 5/5 sneak perks. I can literally sneak there and backstab him with an enchanted flaming fork for 30x dmg
If I have unlimited money and a week of prep time I just put an open bounty for a kajillion dollars on the fucker with a deadline of six days. Now he's running from me.